Why we both had to let go…
Dear friends, I know that many of you are wondering why we had to let go our dearly beloved Belle. Although we knew the day was coming, it still happened very suddenly.
Today it’s 3 weeks ago that Belle passed away and the past weeks, I wasn’t able to write about the reason why and it’s still very hard since it brings so many deep emotions.
It started in the weekend before and then it went so unbelievable fast…. First, I have to go back in time a little bit. Maybe you remember from videos or pictures that Belle always used to eat her food from my finger, that’s how she always liked it and well, me too. It was always such a joy to watch her enjoying her food.
About 2 weeks before her passing, suddenly she couldn’t eat the way she always did. Because her tongue was more on the side of her mouth, she wasn’t able anymore to lick the food from my finger. I felt desperate because I realized that this maybe already meant the end. I looked at her and asked her what I could do to help her. A familiar expression appeared on her face, the one when I can see her thinking, my wise little warrior. All of a sudden she bent forward and began to lick her food all by herself! A miracle! I laughed with all my heart and at the same time I saw her smile and felt her spirit that shone so brightly. She wasn’t ready yet.
On Saturday, April 22, I noticed that a bigger part of her tongue was hanging out of her mouth. It was, and still is, such a shock how fast this tumor grew, so very aggressive. And the fact that we could do nothing about it to stop it, was the most heartbreaking feeling ever. Of course, I did everything I could, in consultation with vet Paula who is specialized in cancer, but still, I felt completely powerless when I saw the enormous growth rate of the tumor.
To see my little girl, my everything, to feel this enormous love for her, and at the same time not being able to help her, was devastating…
That evening she had more difficulties with licking her food. I hoped it was just once, maybe she wasn’t so hungry. But the next morning, it was still the same. She could still eat, but that day the amount of food she could eat was much less than usual. And she was already very skinny, the cancer ate away all the energy of the food, of her body. She was losing weight fast.
On Monday morning, it became even more difficult for Belle to eat. I tried everything to help her, also with a syringe, but it didn’t work. At one moment she leaned against my chest and she laid her head against me in a way that I, with a heavy heart, knew what she was telling me.
It was that moment I knew I had to make the most difficult decision.
I called Paula and first I thought we had to make an appointment that same day, but Paula said we could have one more day together and then it would be time. Belle was still okay and that was also the hardest part of it, that she was still alert and happy, still the same, my little beautiful Belle.
I had no idea how I could possibly let her go the next day when she was like this…
Tuesday, on our last day together, as you all know, we went to the beach together. One more time. And it was magical…
On the way to the sea, I sensed that Belle seemed more tired, but when I opened the door of our car, she stuck her nose in the air and smelled the scents she always loved so much. And standing in front of the sea, with Belle in my arms, she was intrigued as always by all the sounds and smells.
We looked out over the sea, but most of the times I looked at her, feeling a love so deeply that words could never reach. I was, and still am, forever and ever, so immensely grateful and happy that she was my beautiful, most precious girl.
On our way home, we also stopped by a wonderful tulip field where we had some very special moments as well.
At home, I needed to lie down for a while, so we rested in bed together, like we always did for so many times. It was then that I noticed a change in Belle, she was all of a sudden so very very tired. I had never seen this before. And although it was very hard for me to see and feel, I knew that she was preparing to go…
We always communicate with each other in our own special way and it was evident that she wanted this last day with me, to experience the sea one last time, to fully feel all these very special moments on this day in our body, heart, and soul together.
And then she told me it was time. We both knew that it was exactly the right time…
One day I will write more about the moment we had to let go of each other.
Irene, Little Belle’s mom ♥
P.s. I’ve received questions about why the tumor couldn’t be removed. Of course, I discussed this with Paula very thoroughly, but the fact was that the tumor was also growing in Belle her jaw. It was impossible to remove the tumor or a part of her jaw had to be removed as well. And that wasn’t an option for Belle anymore. Even if it had been an option, the chances that the tumor would grow back were very high due to the very high aggressiveness of the tumor.